I recently read an article that suggested girls just need to try harder and take more risks. It states, “When girls try NEW things, hard things, their confidence grows.” While this would be the natural conclusion, it is rarely true. As a researcher into gender inequalities in educational setting I can assure you there is endless data to show that when girls take risks they are harassed, shamed, embarrassed and delegitimized. Blaming girls for a system that is stacked against them from the start is just another way we disempower them. Here’s how it works:
We live in a patriarchal society structured vertically with rich, able-bodied, heterosexual, White males at the top who maintain the majority of power. We are all born into this system and told it’s normal. We rarely think to question how power remains the unspoken entitlement of (mostly White) men. We learn that it is just ‘natural’, but it’s not. Society begins policing girls at an early age to teach them in myriad ways that power and competency don’t belong to them. Girls experience multiple microaggressions every day that direct them to limit their behaviors, their confidence, and their power. These microaggression shape girls’ identities and harm their mental health making them feel ‘wrong’, ‘less than’, and ‘broken’. It informs their identities in long-term ways like unrealistic body images (diet culture) and behavioral expectations (slut-shaming and mom-judging). These constant microaggression are an emotional form of water torture as the drip…drip…drip results in constant feelings of failure throughout their lifetimes.
And it’s a double-edged sword because girls/women get shamed when they take risks, so they stop taking risks. Then they get shamed for not taking risks, so it’s not really girls that need to try harder. Society needs to try harder to recognize and support the competencies of girls/women. Yet society continues to blame girls/women for their lack of confidence instead of recognizing the many barriers that obstruct it – regularly policing and undermining female power.
It’s really the ultimate in gas lighting to suggest that girls/women are responsible for the obstacles to their power. We’ve all had the job(s) where we did the majority of work for our mediocre male supervisors and were never recognized for our ideas or efforts. Women are told in a million and one ways that power and competency are male entitlements and if we reach for them, we will be shamed, shunned, or fired. Society has taught women through social learning that we are not entitled to the same things that men are.
And it starts early. Just watch when students are released for recess. Girls will give way to boys who have already learned that recreational/gym spaces belong to them as does the equipment. Girls who challenge boys’ entitlement to those spaces will be socially shamed not just by the boys, but often by the school staff who will direct girls to other activities to appease the boys. This is how male power is reinforced and naturalized through social learning. If you observe a typical physics class, you will probably recognize a boy who has been crowned ‘King of physics.’ He is confident. He knows it all and shines the brightest in the classroom. But if you check the grade book, it is usually the girl quietly cowering in the corner who has the highest grade in the class. Yet she is not given the power of the recognition of her skills. Boys who are good at physics (or STEM subjects) are often described as naturally skilled and brilliant while girls are just ignored or described as hard working. There are so many constant ways that girls are disempowered every day in the classroom and in life. It’s exhausting to watch how regularly their self-esteem gets beaten down as they gradually stop taking risks to claim a power that they know they will be denied. It’s actually a testament to the strength of girls that they get out of bed and go to school every day.
Patriarchal systems are constructed hierarchically. Power is not shared but constantly contested and challenged. Our society is based on a system of dominance where individuals fight for power that benefits them. According to patriarchal values this kind of ‘power over’ is recognized as the most legitimate form of successful power negotiation. Unfortunately, ‘power over’ or dominate power is rarely the most effective form to benefit society as a whole. More effective than dominate power is collaborative power or ‘power with’ that shares power in a way that more effectively benefits all. Boys are allowed to negotiate and fight for dominance or ‘power over’ while girls are only allowed to negotiate collaboratively or ‘power with’. Yet our society doesn’t see collaborative ‘power with’ as a legitimate form of power so girls are never actually positioned to lead. Their power is contested by boys fighting for dominant power. When girls fight for ‘power over’ they are pathologized as too aggressive. They are often sent to the school counselor or suggested for medication for anger issues. While boys who display actually physical aggression are excused as ‘boys will be boys’ – just another message that power in the form of dominance belongs to boys not girls.
What’s ironic about how gender informs power is that girls are actually being taught to be the most effective leaders but are then denied their right to lead by boys whose aggression is read as confidence. Yet girls are shamed for this form of confidence – labeled as ‘showoffs’ or ‘braggers’ and not allowed these forms of perceived competency. When they are not allowed to fight like boys they still reach for power and competency in the form of what little is allowed to them – relational bullying. Books like Queen Bees and Reviving Ophelia blamed girls for this kind of power suggesting that this is a female character flaw. It’s not a character flaw. It’s a response to a society that rarely allows girls forms of legitimate power. Yet girls are still labeled as problems just for responding to the only forms of power they are allowed in a system that regularly disempowers them. Girls are shamed when they speak out, challenge the status quo, or try to establish any kind of acceptable power, autonomy, or success for themselves.
And let’s face it, being/feeling powerless is terrifying. Why do we expect girls to be able to tolerate it, but protect boys from it? Developing confidence and having access to power, success, and leadership are important for everyone. Why are we so afraid to let girls lead? We must stop blaming girls for trying to survive in a culture that teaches them daily that power, confidence, and success are forms of dominance and the rightful property of (mainly White) boys/men and start rewarding girls for more effective forms of leadership. And we must start teaching boys that they are not entitled to wield power just because they are born male. We need to change this message and therefore our culture because that is where the problem lies. Not with the girls who don’t take risks, but with a world that shames and limits them when they do. Change that problem and the girls will change with it and we may see more functional forms of leadership emerge from our young people.